i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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