We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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