I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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