I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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