i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
