your parents love me but you hate me
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
