you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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