Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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