6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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