Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
