I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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