Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
