bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
