It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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