I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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