I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
