He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Is Oprah even human
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
