Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
