planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I will be naked everywhere
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
