ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
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I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
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Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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