He felt like a one man threesome
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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