You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
