What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
