Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
