she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
