is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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