Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
