i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
