Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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