I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
