When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
love makes seman taste better
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
