I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
