Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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