fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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