the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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