I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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