You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
