Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
