Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
