I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
