Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
