i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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