So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Everclear isn't food dammit
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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