everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
