Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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