Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
