Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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