she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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