guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
