i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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