I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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