it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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