Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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