some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
