I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize
