That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
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I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
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But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize