I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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