my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
